btp, pt 3

so yeah, i have been avoiding the day by day blog idea. feels weird to explain all my emotions in real time (without processing them for myself first), not to mention reeks of a dostoevsky novel (boring and too navel gazing). so, to make up for that, here’s a summary of the last 11 or so days: pain, sleeplessness (discomfort kept overwhelming my sleep urge), wonderful visits with friends, a vacation of sorts with my very best friend ever, physical therapy (pain), super cool and life-affirming conversations with my kids, financial and administrative responsibilities, feeling a pull (not strong, but there at least) to finish the yellow cross country piece, and subsequently working on said piece, one handed, trying to get tiny little beads onto a wire. also really want to design these bookcases, but it keeps not happening (guilt). reflecting on how strong, and (yeah) brave my dad was to keep moving forward through all that pain during the last years. he would say he was just doing what had to be done. living. i miss talking to him in real life (haven’t stopped doing it in my head).

using my old hockey stick for passive range of motion PT exercises. feels good to hold it.

hilary’s IG documentation of casie’s knee rehab was so inspiring. so textbook. she did every single thing she was supposed to to get back to playing hockey. great model (i’m nowhere near her level of a hockey player but still, i do feel a certain commitment to continuing to play this game that i love so much). so it’s what pushes me forward. letting myself lie in bed, allowing the guilt to exist but not overwhelm my recovery. and yes i know that my recovery from shoulder surgery has no importance in the grander scheme of the world, but it’s my life. it’s what i’m living right now, and i choose to be present in this part of it, even though i can let myself relax a little (lot) more than normal when the pain subsides. 

what textbook mental/emotional illness(es) best classify me today, i wonder. showing signs of obsessive compulsivity. really focused on this hockey thing.

thoughts from a late-blooming stoner. who’s going through it all (not ‘IT’ all, or even ‘It’ all. just it all) and trying hard to come out the other side, accepting that experiencing linear time can be a bitch for when we would rather get on with it, but still anxious for that time to pass. knowing what the science says has to happen but also listening to my body and ready to push more if necessary. so far, funny enough, no need to push more. i am getting OLD. which damn, that’s ok, cause i’m also getting better. in so many ways.