re: tired

so, retired. re-tire-d. old white men playing golf, country clubs, swimming pools and movie stars… 

kinda thought about it a month after handing ezgsa off, but never really agreed to accept that it’s true. of me. all in all, glad i’m living life this direction in time and not backward. cause there was a lot of big shit backward and this just feels like coasting. and there’s the twinge lurking around my shoulders that i shouldn’t SHOULDN’T coast because it’s not right cause so many others never ever get the opportunity. 

well. so instead of giving all my time and heart, i give my money and leave off on the organizing and volunteering to do what i actually WANT to do. i want to make art and read and cut wood and travel and hang out on with my friends and my kids and feel free of obligation. to others. i’ve wanted to rest for so long. and i’m resting now. and even though i will continue to feel guilt, i’m going to continue to rest. for at least a while longer.

marxe just began getting that he can do what gives him joy, and hopefully make a living at it. sooo many people can’t or don’t do what gives them joy. maybe more of the guilt.

a teen who lived a block over committed suicide. haven’t seen her so much since she was a child and they lived across the street, but still thinking about the pain she must have felt. made this piece in her memory. i hope her soul is at peace.