as time goes by
roxy music always knows. "i was blind, can’t you see?” hah.
paying closer attention to the percussion since getting the drumset. always focused on the guitar, bass, violin, piano lines, singularly. never with drums. now i am. old dog learning new tricks.
but the same old things still comfort me. in between dentist and dermatology appointments the other day, took a cruise-with-no-destination that ended at a graveyard, originated in the 1700s. we’ve always been a graveyard family, since scott’s and my first new year’s eve together. cemeteries are interesting, beautiful (some), culturally different, stone gardens of history. anyway, saw the first mayor of WDC, robert brent, 1763-1819, but the main event is this daniel carroll dude who signed the articles of confederation, was in the continental congress, and served as a maryland delegate to the constitutional convention, then the US House. neato.
bones will always be there. not mine or scott’s though. no need for bones in the ground if they can help people still above it. and then ashes. can’t think of ashes now without thinking of the post office. what a very weird way to get your loved one’s last bits. just the postal guy dropping the package marked “human remains” at the front door along with other regular mail. don’t know what i expected. in my head some big horn blared, “the dead man’s bones are here.” not bones anymore. ashes. and scott said no no no cause of the holocaust, but i made an executive decision (with the kids’ help, so not so executive i guess) to burn and send when hawaii organ donors had taken all they could. no bones in the ground for him. or for me. some people will remember us for a while, but no one will find my grave in 200 years and say, ah, there was this woman who what? made art. had kids, loved and was loved. just reading that can’t help someone know me. and that’s fine. we die. you’re not around to enjoy people remembering your name and who you were, so why the drive to be famous. name famous i mean. the belief that you don’t really die if “the world’s gonna know your name”?
so have i mentioned that i’m depressed? first thought is yeah, of course, shorter days, less sun. second thought is take abe’s advice and just let yourself feel it cause it will just show up in some other way. third thought is yeah, ok, i’m feeling it, but when will it be felt out? how much longer do i need to dwell in it? until it lifts? when is that? see the circular thinking? fourth thought — people in power count on this apathy and frustration to stay in power. but i’m tired. so tired of all the death and fire and flooding and death and racism and misogyny and pain and death.
the depression. it’s there. i’m letting it sit. but i am also continuing to do the things i must do. not so much extra. and yeah, the fading sun etc. and today’s quite a few degrees cooler cause the west coast smoke hides the sun through haze. but also the visions of our world on fire. truly truly we have destroyed this place. hello whatever’s responsible for our being here: your experiment has failed. we as humans suck. we kill natural resources and beat up each other with pain and suffering. even people we don’t know, just for the ability to buy another iphone or new outfit or third house. not reaching higher for all, but reaching straight across for ourselves. and this world where we continue to treat other humans as less than. and we abuse animals and act in the very basement of our moral/emotional capacity. maybe i’m simply grieving for a lost viewpoint of optimism or rightness.
in utopia avenue, david mitchell has francis bacon say, “grief is the bill of love, fallen due.” pretty profound there. and, kinda similarly, colbert (who’s dad and two brothers died in a plane crash when he was 10 years old) says that he has learned to “love the thing that I most wish had not happened. It’s a gift to exist, and with existence comes suffering. I don’t want it to have happened … but if you are grateful for your life … then you have to be grateful for all of it. You can’t pick and choose what you’re grateful for.” exactly how i feel about scott and suffering in general. which has brought me to zen buddhism lately. many followers believe zen’s purpose is to relieve suffering.
well, this could go on forever and ever because every single little thing, including suffering, causes us to be who we are. and any change from before would change who we are now. which is the whole part of zen that i agree with. my energy being a part of everyone else’s energy and that we’re all one (the Force, in a nutshell). also horrified by it cause yeah, that means i’m partially a serial killer. and i am partially responsible for the treatment of asylum seekers and systemic racism.
the part about zen i have a problem with, well, not really the zen itself but the way it’s been interpreted: those fucking koans, yeah, they’re cool but then there’s interpretation above another interpretation and layer and layers which i get is attractive to some of faith. (yes, i know the Torah) but i would think that god, if Shkle exists, would want to be transparent. let everyone communicate with Shkler in the easiest way possible.
starting to believe it more of animals too. been a pescatarian for 30 years now, eating fish less and less. did eat octopus until i learned how very smart they are. and now i have the blanket octopus under construction on my arm, and i cannot ever imagine eating such a sentient, intelligent being. disgusted that i used to do that. which of course makes me think that surely i should stop eating all fish because they do feel. we know that now. so maybe i should just have fish on special occasions, being really mindful at those times that something gave its life for me to be eating it. that i could deal with. maybe. reading a birthday-present-book from carey about the soul of an octopus. intelligence. emotional. absolutely incredible creatures with individual personalities and ability to adapt. reinforces where my mind has always been reaching for but not always attaining. and they’re so frickin beautiful.
here’s a haiku i wrote:
do you esteem all
humans? then rebel against
capitalism.