unofficial start of summer

sarah is reading a book about visualizing the future you expect. i tend to skip that and attend to the present, what i’m doing, providing, receiving. and today feels a little momentous to me.

my son graduated from high school yesterday. he is such an incredible, beautiful person, and i am sad and happy to see him leaving me in two months. and yes, i know, he’s not leaving me. but it’s a new chapter for him. a solo chapter. he’s ready.

i bought a car for my daughter today. a 2012 chevy cruze. aaron made a face when i told him the make/model, but it definitely felt the best driving. familiar. but the toyota does too so it’s not that i just don’t like nissans or fords or whatever. and i think the chevy will do it’s job: get mo back and forth to warren wilson college and back and forth to asheville while she’s at wilson. and it’s smaller and decent gas mileage, and she’ll be safe.

but aside from all that, i bought the car for my daughter. our daughter, but it was just me making the decision, as it has been for the past 40 months. and as i explained to my kids, that’s my norm now. except for sometimes. like deciding to let marxe start T, or admitting satch to the day program last year. and buying a car, i just missed him during it. and yes, i know i bought my convertible all by myself with no problem. but that was different. it was my car, and a car i had kind of been waiting for my whole life. this was for our daughter. and scott also would have been happy and proud on thursday, when marxe got the peacemaker award (he looked so handsome). yeah, sometimes i really miss him.

also today, i cut my hair. same as every three or four months. when it’s too long on top and not sitting the way i want it to, cutting it all off feels much better.

on wednesday, i get my new tattoos.

and also today, i broke off a physical relationship that has given me a whole lot of pleasure the past couple years. actually, some really amazing pleasure. :-)) but there was no time/desire on his part for prolonged depth or societal connection and i feel kinda cheap without it at this point. maybe i’ll get back to just appreciating great sex without anything else again some time. maybe not.

it’s the first unofficial weekend of summer. great weather. as good a time as any to re-start.

so visualizing. i visualize a lot of what’s already here. my house, in transition. my art, always in transition. my kids, growing and surprising me and of course, in transition. my business, steady, breaking even. keeping my work family employed. and a companion: honest, sexy, patient, art and music loving, compassionate, weird, tactile, independent, really good kisser, feminist, kind. other stuff too, but those are the basics.

and don’t go telling me how fortunate i am. my conscience constantly reminds me. i know. it’s ok to hope for more though. isn’t it?