order

are all humans attracted to order, or just some of us? i stood my acrylics up — instead of a haphazard mishmash lying in the box as they have been for years and years — to see the color. not ordered by color, though. easier if the tubes stayed upright.

noticed a wall of these trinket-gumball-dispensers at marxe’s hockey tournament, somewhere outside pittsburgh. parents hanging around, waiting for their kids, and the ever-present cheapo arcade with rows and rows of 25-cent-crap, available for just a turn in the slot. that final turn and click used to be oddly satisfying, like pictures of things lining up. whether it’s made-in-china wall stickers, buttons, whatever’s in this picture, candy, donuts, or single malt scotch.

why does the eye so easily move to order instead of chaos?

broke the order last week. for the first time in a long while, skipped an event i had tickets for. and wanted to see. alvin ailey. transported during their performances over the past two years, but just wasn’t feeling it. exhausted. TMI to say UTI? and that’s pretty much gone, but at 4:30 this morning i went and canceled my trip to nyc this weekend. friends not available. and it’s just not as important to me today to see my small postcard piece in the VisualAIDS show. one of hundreds. nice, but i don’t need to see it/be part of it right now. it’s cold. and snowing. and may not be by friday, but on this day, at this time, i’d rather be home, surrounded by an order i know.

memories associate with that order. they also gobble time. overtake the present. in this moment, this very moment, there’s so much else i could be considering. part of why i want to move all the family pictures from the wall next to my bed. been there since we built this room, more than 18 years ago. time to move on. also time to give away scott’s suits? they are the one item (group) that i still like having here. rest of the house has been un-scott-cluttered for the most part (he hoarded so much), but the thought of going into the closet and not seeing his suits sits leaden. not time yet. they still line up nicely,